SWAT school is coming.....

I suppose its time to start blogging again, if for nothing else but to let off some steam. The SWAT process is getting ready to start up again and I am hoping I am in better shape and ready for it more than before.

I heard from a friend of mine that the rumor mill going around is that it didnt matter how I did at SWAT school, they werent going to let me on the team. When I heard this, it made me steaming mad. Then the more I thought about it, I dont like the alternative way either....you know, the one that says it doesnt matter how I did at SWAT school, I was going to MAKE the team. Both of these rumors disgust me. Seriously, is it that important that I dont have a penis? I had no idea law enforcement was so phallus oriented. I should have guessed with all the "long guns". Sigh.

I already have doubts from the last school, after I hurt myself near the end and had to stop.

But, I think I need to look at it realistically-I did not do that well in the school. I was always the smallest and the slowest, the first one to tire out. I keep saying it shouldnt matter that I am a girl, but maybe it matters that I am 5 feet tall and 125 lbs, therefore the smallest of the group that went to the school. When I talk to the guys who made it through, they try to keep my spirits up reminding me that I never quit, I was forced by injury to stop....that there were others there who just didn't have the heart to go on and decided to quit. This should make me feel better but it doesnt. I keep thinking that all this means is that I have a seriously high threshhold for pain and suffering and dont mind putting myself through hell. Maybe I am just stubborn and didnt quit because I felt such pressure being the only female and my mom raised me to think I could do anything the boys could do.

Like I said, the process is starting again. Do I really want to put myself through this again? The ridicule, suffering, and two-faced words from people who on the surface say one thing and behind my back dont want a woman to be on the team? Do I bother, since no matter if I get on the team or not, they will question why and how I got there?