29 days and counting

Todays exercise results:

Push ups 40 (42)
One minute sit ups 44 (46)
Dead Hang pull ups 3 (5)
1.5 mile run 12:18 (12:09)
100 yd dash/dummy drag 28 seconds (31.33)
Stair climb 19 seconds (18.3)
Bunker Lift 3 minutes (3)

My results today are better than yesterday, with only one event failed. The stupid dummy drag. Also, you may notice the absence of the maze crawl. Due to no gloves, knee pads, and watery coldness, I decided to bypass it today. Tomorrow is New Years eve. I wont be doing this workout, but I will be doing some walking lunges with the weighted tactical vest on while watching the twilight zone marathon. Super fun.

30 day count down

I got a stupid cold over Christmas. I was taking zinc and drinking OJ like it was going outta style but it didnt help, it just delayed it a bit. I knew I was in trouble when my hubby began the whole whining and coughing routine and I found random wadded up tissues all over the house. Crap. He had a cold and would hang all over me with his germ infested feverish body until he was certain I would catch it. Hes such a whiny baby when hes sick, I promise he didnt get out of bed all day. Then in the evening when I came home from work, he got up to lay on the couch and watch tv. For an hour. Then he went back to bed. All that sleeping all day made him exhausted. I know, I know, Im a total bitch and should never try to be a nurse. Florence Nightengale I'm not! So, no surprise to me I started getting sick on Christmas Eve day. Making cookies with the kids for Santa turned into me having a horrible headache and wanting to die. Of course I continued with my duties, I made dinner, wrapped presents, stuffed stockings. I even got up Christmas morning and made breakfast. All these things while having the same cold that made my man an invalid. The weaker sex, yeah right.

Now, being sick for three days I didnt work out. I tell myself I was sick, it was Christmas for pitys sake, I deserve this time off! Of course, today, I wish I would have just ran a little every day. What the hell, its just running right? I knew the workout would suck today. I just didnt realize how bad.

I take my SWAT physical agility test January 28th.... that is 30 days from today I need to be ready. So today I took a "mock" test, the same components to see where I am.

Required: (my scores)
1. Flexibility 16.6 inches (17)
2. Push ups 40 (42)
3. Sit ups 44 in one minute (44)
4. Pull ups 3 dead hang (4)
5. 1.5 mile run 12:18 (12:29)
6. 100 yd dash/dummy drag 28 seconds (33)
7. Stair climb 19 seconds (19.30)
8. Maze Crawl 78 seconds (85 seconds)
9 Bunker Lift 3 minutes support arm (3 minutes)

Now mind you numbers 6 through 9 are all while wearing SWAT tactical body armor with a 10 lb weight in the vest. Oh yes, 7-9 also have that plus the gas mask and a ballistic helmet. And that stupid dummy weighs at least 160-180 lbs. I sucked so bad today, I am really trying. I dont want to get to the 28th and say I didnt try hard enough. I need to get faster and stronger, and for the love of God I cant figure out how. Is there any way to make a 125 lb 5 foot 2" 37 year old woman able to do these things barring steriods???? Am I kidding myself and wasting my time trying??? I really want to know if I am trying harder than the guys who have to do this same test. Is it really not as hard for them? BAH!

Christmas, Mom, and my anniversary

Its almost Christmas. Again. Didn't we just have one of these last year? I wish I could get into the holiday spirit, but I just can't seem to find it. Oh yeah, my mom is coming into town. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but she really stresses me out. Doesn't every family have the "not good enough" kid? Or I am maybe just psycho and channeling some wierd middle child attention seeking thing? I dunno. Of course, maybe now mom will see my pimples cleared up and my hair shiny (I'll slather it with freaking crisco if I have to!!!) and she will have no further commentary on my appearance. Can't she just say how awesome it is that I am healthy and she can see how hard I am working out to better myself? Why does it even matter to me anymore? Seriously, I am supposed to be a grown up now, for pitys sake im almost 40! My sister has promised me plenty of encouragement in the form of rum drinks to be able to stand being around mom for any length of time, so it shouldn't be so bad. (Good thing she lives out of state or I would truly be a raging alcoholic!!!)

Today is also my 18th wedding anniversary. I have officially been married to my husband for a longer period of time than I spent single. Its a miracle. Its not been easy, no. At one point or another either one of us probably would have happily smothered the other to death with a pillow. But we still carry on! With the divorce rate itself, its a miracle, but add into that the divorce rate among cops and we should be on freaking Oprah! HA! (Okay maybe more like Springer...the title something like "SWAT police girl pokes unemployed housepainter hubby with crochet needles"...sounds kinky dont it? Ha ha ha!!!)

Zeno

Okay so if you read the last blog, I mentioned the fact that I was broken out with pimples (and had dry hair, thanks mom). Well I also happen to be a girl who has tried it all. I have bought hundred dollar creams, proactive off the infomercial, washing my face with lemons, you name it over the years I have tried it. Dotting my face nightly with stinky sulfur products after its slathered with benzoyl peroxide and salicilic acid. Well I seriously think I have found a real solution... Ever hear of Zeno? Its the electric zit zapper that I gave merely a passing glance in the store (very expensive). But after my last super fun excursion to Chicago to see mom, I got one. I figured at the drug store I could return it when it too didnt work. But for the love of God, it works. Seriously. No joke, no nothing. It promises less zits in 24-48 hrs and it works. I havent been pimple free in YEARS. I love zeno. I hate infomercials and product endorsements, but seriously I could announce from my squad car (over the super P.A. system) how awesome this is.

Who does Cooper think he is anyway?

Cooper fitness standards. Oh I have heard your standards spouted every time we have a hiring process and we have new hopeful faces in the crowd. Its a super easy standard, really! I mean, seriously if you listen its the standard health and fitness level of a 40 year old woman! Egad! Not that, a 40 year old woman? That just brings up visuals of bon bon eating couch potato Oprah watching masses doesnt it? And I admit, some of the standards we require seem pretty easy. First standard, you have to jump 13 inches vertically. Not too bad, we usually dont loose anyone at this point of the test. Maybe one or two people who just (face it) arent coordinated enough to jump and swing their arm to tap the vertec. Then comes the one minute sit ups. The standard entry here is 26. Doesnt seem too rough does it? Well we are good for loosing about 3-8 applicants here. Either they are afraid of the Mexican food slipping out if they try too hard or they really aren't ready. (As far as the Mexican food goes, yeah there have been "rippers" during the test....its a natural bodily function people! Stop laughing! Yeah, that includes me...) Now comes the 300 meter sprint. You have 87 seconds. Thats almost a minute and a half. No one usually sucks too bad at this, we have some close calls but few failures. OOh now comes the next test, the one all girls fear....yes its the push ups. You have to get 21 push ups. No time limit. Come on, seriously, you knew you wanted this job and you knew you had to do push ups. Tell me you have been practicing and working out. Liars. Dont look at me and ask if you can have a "do over" if you only get 7. The standard is 21, and if you couldnt get that many the first try, what really makes you think you can do it after a five minute break? This is where we usually loose the girls. Or we get the girls who squeak by, struggling and gasping. (Im not judging, I know its hard ladies, but do you want the job or not???) Now on to the final component...the mile and a half run. Now this so called "run" needs to be completed in 18:56. Thats right, eighteen minutes and fifty six seconds. Forever. If you walk, you wont make it. Of course, if you sort of walk/jog and cry and whine, chances are you make it. Sometimes we get to call EMS on this one. Its pretty awesome when people hyperventilate or start barfing when they are almost done! Now if you have passed all of these, even the squeakers, you come upstairs and get the lecture about nutrition and exercise. This is where the bombs are dropped by my (male) Sergeant...if you think this is hard, this entry standard is the level of a 40 year old woman!!! *in my mind the next thing he says is you ought to be ashamed* You will be expected to do much better if you want to pass this academy!!! Blah blah blah, talk talk. Then he goes on about how these are the Cooper standards, more blah, how they should be much harder. My favorite part is when he said they didnt need any 5 foot 2 inch 115 lb people on this department! The difficulty to restrain my laughter is nearly unbearable, since when I got hired to be a cop I maybe weighed 100 lbs at 5"2"!!! Ha! All this being said, who the hell does he think he is right? For that matter, who the hell does Cooper think he is too? Isnt eating (mostly) healthy food and exercising (mostly) every day enough? So I have a little flab, big f'n deal right? Now I start to panic and over exercise and stress about any morsel nearing my face! I want to be good enough!

I figure its like this, I need to not panic and be forced into an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise again. (Thats right, mean girls, you can no longer tease me until I have an eating disorder!!!) Its like going to visit my mom, and within the first ten minutes she mentions the fact that my face is broken out and my hair looks dry. I shrug it off while buying proactive and smearing avacado in my hair. I hate being subjected to any of it. I hope I am getting stronger by recognizing it doesnt matter and just doing what makes me feel healthy and strong.

Jeckyll and Hyde

Today was a really painful workout. I felt exhausted before I even started! Sit ups, leg lifts, pull ups four rounds to failure.....I tell you my body was rebelling! Then we went and ran the stairs in the bleachers. At first it was just twice around the gym, up and down, up and down, for a nice warm up. Then sprints. Blah. After seriously considering vomiting a few times, then we ran the bleachers seven times. Well after 5 or 6 it was barely considered running because going up the stairs took mega effort and running down took mega effort not to just tumble. Of course I really shouldnt complain because I am glad that I got the workout done early so I can go home and crochet some blankets. Sounds hilarious doesnt it? I was working late nights and one of my co workers saw me crocheting away at a baby blanket when he said "SWAT don't knit". I was super happy to tell him that was fine, because this was crochet and I was just making gun cozys for the M-16's. I sometimes wonder if I am the only person that has two very different sides to them that really shouldnt co-exist but they do. I mean, okay, obviously I'm a cop, I like to work out, shoot guns, not to mention ground fighting and any other combatives. But I also really like to bake pies and cookies and any sweets and crochet blankets. I like watching old sappy movies and snuggling up on the couch almost as much as I like going to shoot simunition rounds at recruits on scenario days. I also like being a mom, and manage to do laundry and cook and clean. (Notice there was no "like" part about the cooking and cleaning...ha ha). Am I the only Jeckyll and Hyde out there? Or maybe everyone else just is better at hiding their secret alter ego.

Some good news about the holidays

I have always loathed Christmas shopping. I never really had a reason, I like giving gifts to friends and family. I then just assumed it was because I am mostly anti-social and hate being around society in such droves. But yesterday, I figured it out. Its not really that bad after all! Think of this, you can now park your car as far away from the front of the store as humanly possible and no one is jocking you for that coveted front spot. Try this in August, the security droves on their segway's ask what you are up to and assume you are smoking crack in the parking lot. The standing in the long line used to irritate the crap out of me, but now, its really awesome to practice balance, left leg, right leg, left leg right leg. If you are into isometrics, you can even squeeze and release to your hearts content! No more wasted line time! Also, I think that part of the cardio is the heart thumping action of maybe getting crushed in oncoming traffic in the parking lot on the way out with your purchases! Ah yes, holidays arent as bad as I thought. Seriously, this should totally count toward my workout.

The real difference between men and women

I have been really working myself as hard as I can lately, trying to get ready for this SWAT physical fitness assessment. I have all the standards posted in my office and locker room to remind me of what I need to be capable of. 44 situps in a minute. Doesn't sound like a lot until you are at about 40 and want to crap your pants. 40 push ups, no time limit. Okay so it really took some doing, but at this point I am there and can crank 'em out...I can even get 41 on a good day! Three dead hang pull ups....now that was the tough one...actually thats how I found blogger dot com, researching pull ups equalling hell!!! (Oh thank you cranky for that post, it really helped!!!) Got it, I am totally at five good pull ups. Well four and seven eighths my chin is just below where it should be. Mile and a half run in 12:18 or under....got it, its rough but I can do it just under 12:00. Sprint 100 yards and drag a 160lb dummy with a weighted vest on in 28 seconds.....got it. Climb 6 flights of stairs in 19 seconds (with said weighted vest, helmet, and gas mask) thats a tough one but got it too. After climbing the stairs without removing any equipment, then you crawl on hands and knees through a blacked out maze and have a luxurious 78 seconds to find your way out! From here you run to the top of the fire tower (another two flights up) and just hold a 40 lb shield with your non dominant hand for 3 minutes without resting the shield on your body or dropping it below eye level. Okay so all this is a lot right? Well its definately been hell on my body to try to get to this level to have a chance. Which, now I really do think I have a chance! I am now feeling so proud and confident, I feel like Arnold back in the day, I'm here to pump you up!!! Of course did I mention I'm 5'2" and 125 lbs and pushing 40? What the hell was I thinking???

Considering how proud I am and after a really strenuous workout today, my workout partner (whos a guy) and I went to have lunch. All of these things mentioned above seem to come so easily and naturally to him. Practicing sprints today (in the gym because its horrible outside) it was all I could do to not let him get too far ahead of me. He can do more pushups, situps, pull ups, you name it hes stronger and faster. Dammit! So sitting across the table scarfing down my grilled chicken salad like it was trying to escape (yeah, he so was eating a burger) I realized how much I hate evolution. I could taste the rosemary and spices on the chicken, smell the rain in the air outside, and even hear the quiet conversation at the table next door. My neanderthal lunch mate of course couldnt hear a thing, and when I mentioned the strong rosemary taste on the chicken looked puzzled. Whats my point? Evolution is unfair. I realize sometime back in the cave I had to be fatter with better senses to protect the young'uns through times of starvation and be able to hear those babies crying in the night. Thats why I can smell what my husband had for lunch that day when he kisses me and have to sleep with ear plugs in. Where as my male counterparts just got physically able to be stronger and faster. They can sleep through an alarm clock, and suffer through horrible smells. (Evidence of this: my husband and sons having "fart wars" during the game.) At one point I had really been struggling trying just to get one pull up... just one... it was seven weeks in and my lats and shoulders were on fire...when my unhealthy smoker of a 200 lb husband easily cranks about six out with ease, telling me maybe I just need to pull harder. Bastard.

So thanks evolution for giving me the ability to smell sour milk, hear my kids restlessness when they dont want to go to sleep, and taste every bit of that chalky "lean body" chocolate meal replacement. Then there is the ever present craving for sweets. Heck lets not forget the biggest wonder of being a woman, I can totally bleed for a week without dying! (Of course this comes with crankyness, bloating, and cramps, but whatever.) Where as evolution has given men the ability to be stronger and faster, and not to mention they are considered the leaders of society to protect us poor weak girls. Oh yeah, thanks evolution, thats totally fair.

Super happy bunny exercise!

After an awful workout yesterday (I was just exhausted and could barely get any reps on anything) I was feeling kind of low. My workout partner came in saying "oh yeah, today is gonna be a grueling workout....we are hitting it hard". For some reason, that soooo made it worse. (Huh, I wonder why!) So I have decided after making it home last night and lying lifeless and limp on the couch like a bunch of jello, I have to change my way of thinking about it. No longer can I dread the "cardio" running days or the awful indoor gym days because of the cold. I have to think of them differently even if they are the same ole same ole. I have decided instead of working out today I shall call it rolling around in comfy fluffy sweats and sneakers! Maybe its a huge exaggeration, but I will totally be wearing sweats and sneaks, so there! I should focus more on the fact that even though I didn't do a biggest looser last chance workout yesterday, I did go to the gym and put forth some effort. So bring it on, super happy workout program!!! I'm still in! You so can't stop me self doubt, not this time!!!

Holidays suck

I hate Christmas. I am not really sure when this happened and I became a Grinch but I sure hate it now. I am quite positive at some point I was a happy little child with bright eyes and wonder on Christmas morning. Now I am a groggy 37 year old shuffling through the house in a freaking housecoat fumbling for the coffee pot. Maybe its the pressure of getting the right gifts. I know, I know, save the lecture about how its about something totally different or religious or about the thought that counts. If you have ever seen actual disappointment on the faces of your children because you couldn't afford to get them what they really wanted or that fake "yes its been a good christmas mom" when they hardly had any gifts at all it might sour you to the holiday as well. Now, dont get me wrong, my kids arent spoiled and don't expect anything, but they secretly have the wish that for once mom will find some money somewhere or surprise them. I am sick of not being able to at least get them one thing on their lists. They dont ask for cars or computers or anything, but since everything costs so much now they might as well. Okay, so the gifts aside, maybe thats not why I hate it. Maybe its the family pressure. Yes, you have to get up and get going on what is generally a cold miserable day. Then you have to make the jolly holiday rounds with a bunch of people you rarely see (who might not be expecting gifts for their kids from you, but they certainly got your kids something...oh guilt!). Not to mention I am always introduced by my occupation, someone always has some comment to make, and someone always wants to talk to me about diet and exercise while I cram food down my gullet. I dont need self control to diet over the holidays, I always have some well wishing fool watching every bite I eat. (Oh yes, I can eat pie sometimes too!!! Thats right?!!! Its the holidays, dont you dare tell me Ill get fat!!! AAAAAAAH) Or maybe its just the fact that everyone everwhere says "Have a merry Christmas" or something to that effect. Stop telling me how to live!!!! Okay so seriously, I may have exaggerated a little bit but I still cant help but hate the holidays.

The perfect pants

It occurs to me as I sit here and look at my haphazardly packed gym bag that I really need some new pants. Just a passing thought, but it is getting really cold outside and if I want to continue working out outside (UH, running) I should get some running pants. Then I need to take inventory and try to recall what it was exactly that I was wearing last year. Did I have any pants last year or was I somehow tougher and the weather didn't bother me? Well of course I had the sweats I'm wearing now. Of course, they shrunk a little in the wash. No, seriously, thats not just the cupcakes talking, they really shrunk!!! They still fit okay, but any sweatpants that are gonna show panty lines really should be tossed. There's the pair of yoga pants haphazardly lying across the top of the bag. They are super super loose. Of course they are kind of Gran's with a really mega loose fit and 3 foot inseam and uber stretchy waistband with a string tie! These pants aren't really suitable to be wearing outside, and really not good for running. Why they would be flapping back and forth so much I might literally take flight! When I bought them I thought they were the best pants ever. Loose and comfy, so good I bought two. (Mental note, anything purchased pre-menstrual in the basement "ladies" sport section is not a really good idea.) Then there were the hanes sweatpants. Elastic waist and pegged legs. *ring* *ring*, uh hello 1982, you can have your pants back. Nuff said. I do have three pairs of "track" pants, but two are very thin and cheap and the other pair really are getting worn. When ever I go to the running store and get new shoes, I am always eyeballing the "running" specific pants. They are usually 60 bucks or more, and my cheap ass poor side have a hard time spending that much money on something besides electricity or gas. Of course I have to think back to that search for the perfect running shorts. I still haven't succeeded in finding a pair that don't bulge out in the belly. I know they should be loose, but whatever. I need some substance! I have yet to try on these lovely expensive pants. They seem so form fitting. I mean I suppose I understand they are really kind of supposed to be so you don't get the whole "flying nun" flap going on while puttering around the hood, but wow. Do I really want to put it all out there? Every little bump and misplaced curve? And so what if I do, right? Who really cares? No one looks at you when you are running right? I wonder if anyone else has issues with finding pants or shorts that are just right or is it just me.

Dogs are stupid

I had one of those weekends again. You know, the kind where you eat every cookie in the house and then bake some cupcakes to feed the sugar craving beast? Of course to balance it out there has to be some savory selections as well, all deep fried and artery clogging. Needless to say, this doesn't lend itself to feeling very good about my health or body image. There was no exercise to speak of Friday or Saturday. Sunday morning the guilt hit home and I decided to go for a run. Its freaking freezing outside. (This being the excuse I didn't go outside and run for about a week.) No no, positive thinking I say to myself...staying indoors will do nothing about the nice layer of hibernation fat over your midsection. So after putting on layers of clothes and my fancy new fast cats, off I go. I can literally feel the fatness jiggling and holding me back. Once I get a good running song and rhythm going (I'm bringing sexy back....yeah!!!) and the jiggle starts to be in time, its not so bad. Breathing in the cold air kind of burns my lungs but I remember that this actually is good for me and doesn't feel as horrible as originally I convinced myself that it would. I'm going pretty good now, one mile in (...try to make me go to rehab, I say no, no, no!) and this is where the goodness ends. I am still not sure who spotted who first, but lets just say that eye contact with a pit bull is never a good thing. I'm running by an elementary school, the dog, we shall call her Cujo, is across the street. I attempt to not be scared, dogs can sense this so I have been told. BARK BARK BARK BARK, coming right at me! Okay, I'm not gonna give in to the fear and definately don't want to feed the prey drive of this mutt, so I will stop running now. I feebly try to sound tough and bigger than I am and shout at Cujo to go home. Its not working. I even try the whole "nice doggie" approach, yeah that so doesnt work. I take a step back, still facing the dog, and doggie dearest takes a growling step forward. I turn my body slightly looking for an escape....nothing but open field. It's about 100 yards to the closest playground equipment to scale and about 10 feet away from the satanic canine. I will never make it. (The growling and snarling are seriously putting me in panic mode, I can see that this dog has a collar on, a nice pretty studded collar and "nursing" boobies hanging down.) Well mutt, it seems we are at an impasse. I can't go forward for you are blocking my way. If I go back, you will consider this a fearful retreat and chase me down and devour me like a biscuit. I am so screwed. Did I happen to mention this is a pit bull who's giant head looks more like it should be on a freaking bison??? I am thinking my entire left side would be gone in one gulp, but then of course I recall hearing somewhere that pit bulls don't stop at one bite...they keep biting and chewing and tearing... With no other options I reach for my cell phone and call home. This is how the phone call goes.

Ring, ring, "Uh hello?", my youngest son answers.
"Let me talk to your dad." *BARK BARK BARK*
"Uh, he's sleeping or something."
"What? He wasn't sleeping five minutes ago when I left!!! Just take him the phone!" *BARK BARK BARK BARK*
"Hang on."
"Hello?" Sleepy voice of my husband.
"Dog, big *gasp* dog, big pit bull!!!" *BARK GROWL BARK*
"Do you have any mace with you?"
"NO! I have my phone!!!!"
"Well what are you gonna do, hit it with your phone?"
"NO!!! I called you to help me!!!" *BARK BARK*
"Did you want me to come get you? Where are you?"

Yeah I am realizing now this was probably not the brightest idea I have ever had trying to call for help from my half asleep husband and explain I am about to be kibble! Just as I am surely about to die, enter random stranger.

"Hey, is that your dog" says random stranger.
"NO!" I say, and R.S. sees the fear and panic in my face.
"Uh you need a ride or something?" says R.S.
"Well can you distract the dog or something with your car so I can get away?"
"Sure." and R.S. revvs the engine and I turn and run full sprint back to my house.

I remember then my husband on the phone and yell into it that I am running back home, the dog is not currently chasing me and I will be home soon. I wish I would have worn my garmin as that was probably the fastest mile time I have ever run. Stupid dog. There are a few things I thought about doing when I got home, and the nicest of which was to get into my car and find the beast and run over it. Now not only did I have a pigging out lazy weekend, I only ran two miles for my cardio because I was scared to death by a free roaming tooth farmer. This is why I hate dogs. People of the world, leash your mutts!!! Keep them in fences and far from roaming where they belong!!! I am not an animal hater, but seriously, this is why I hate dogs. Why should I have to run armed? Why can't dogs just leave me alone!!??