Who does Cooper think he is anyway?

Cooper fitness standards. Oh I have heard your standards spouted every time we have a hiring process and we have new hopeful faces in the crowd. Its a super easy standard, really! I mean, seriously if you listen its the standard health and fitness level of a 40 year old woman! Egad! Not that, a 40 year old woman? That just brings up visuals of bon bon eating couch potato Oprah watching masses doesnt it? And I admit, some of the standards we require seem pretty easy. First standard, you have to jump 13 inches vertically. Not too bad, we usually dont loose anyone at this point of the test. Maybe one or two people who just (face it) arent coordinated enough to jump and swing their arm to tap the vertec. Then comes the one minute sit ups. The standard entry here is 26. Doesnt seem too rough does it? Well we are good for loosing about 3-8 applicants here. Either they are afraid of the Mexican food slipping out if they try too hard or they really aren't ready. (As far as the Mexican food goes, yeah there have been "rippers" during the test....its a natural bodily function people! Stop laughing! Yeah, that includes me...) Now comes the 300 meter sprint. You have 87 seconds. Thats almost a minute and a half. No one usually sucks too bad at this, we have some close calls but few failures. OOh now comes the next test, the one all girls fear....yes its the push ups. You have to get 21 push ups. No time limit. Come on, seriously, you knew you wanted this job and you knew you had to do push ups. Tell me you have been practicing and working out. Liars. Dont look at me and ask if you can have a "do over" if you only get 7. The standard is 21, and if you couldnt get that many the first try, what really makes you think you can do it after a five minute break? This is where we usually loose the girls. Or we get the girls who squeak by, struggling and gasping. (Im not judging, I know its hard ladies, but do you want the job or not???) Now on to the final component...the mile and a half run. Now this so called "run" needs to be completed in 18:56. Thats right, eighteen minutes and fifty six seconds. Forever. If you walk, you wont make it. Of course, if you sort of walk/jog and cry and whine, chances are you make it. Sometimes we get to call EMS on this one. Its pretty awesome when people hyperventilate or start barfing when they are almost done! Now if you have passed all of these, even the squeakers, you come upstairs and get the lecture about nutrition and exercise. This is where the bombs are dropped by my (male) Sergeant...if you think this is hard, this entry standard is the level of a 40 year old woman!!! *in my mind the next thing he says is you ought to be ashamed* You will be expected to do much better if you want to pass this academy!!! Blah blah blah, talk talk. Then he goes on about how these are the Cooper standards, more blah, how they should be much harder. My favorite part is when he said they didnt need any 5 foot 2 inch 115 lb people on this department! The difficulty to restrain my laughter is nearly unbearable, since when I got hired to be a cop I maybe weighed 100 lbs at 5"2"!!! Ha! All this being said, who the hell does he think he is right? For that matter, who the hell does Cooper think he is too? Isnt eating (mostly) healthy food and exercising (mostly) every day enough? So I have a little flab, big f'n deal right? Now I start to panic and over exercise and stress about any morsel nearing my face! I want to be good enough!

I figure its like this, I need to not panic and be forced into an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise again. (Thats right, mean girls, you can no longer tease me until I have an eating disorder!!!) Its like going to visit my mom, and within the first ten minutes she mentions the fact that my face is broken out and my hair looks dry. I shrug it off while buying proactive and smearing avacado in my hair. I hate being subjected to any of it. I hope I am getting stronger by recognizing it doesnt matter and just doing what makes me feel healthy and strong.