I DID IT!!!!

Short little post....but very meaningful to me.....

I passed the SWAT PFT. I am the only girl to have ever passed it and I'm going to SWAT school. I cant wait!!!!!

I am so happy!!! SCORE ONE FOR THE GIRLS!!!!!

(Now is it wrong if I totally rub it in to the guys who failed that they got beat by a girl??? HA!)

Is it really that time???

Okay so "D" day has nearly arrived. Tomorrow morning I shall slog my way to the academy through 6-8 inches of snow to test myself physically and mentally. (Of course, snow amounts are greatly exaggerated if the weather predictor was a man....seriously, think about it, have you ever met a man who really knew what 6-8 inches really looked like???? HA!)

I am trying to keep up with the busy work today, cleaning re-arranging things that have already been filed and re-filed hundreds of times. I have to keep reminding myself I can do this. I am strong and I am ready. Get behind me self doubt!!!! Trying to meditate, to use visualization techniques....seeing myself passing the test and being successful. I think I do well to have a goal, but I hope I havent "out-goaled" myself.

Lets take a trip back in time to just see how far I have really managed to come.

The first SWAT PFT was in September. I wasn't ready. I didn't have one pull up and I was slow on the sprinting and stairs. I struggled with the push ups and sit ups, and mostly didnt pass. I remember my goal on my daily workout was just to try to reach minimum SWAT entry standards. I was disappointed but determined when I heard they were having another assessment in January. But....this is perhaps not far enough.... lets go back a little further...

Six months or so before the first SWAT assessment....lets say 2008 at the start of May. It was just after getting released to go back to physical training from that stupid neck surgery. Nothing as liberating as being told I could run again and two weeks later running the mini-marathon and getting my personal best! With two weeks of training! Granted my personal best was still slower than most, but it rocked! This was before I decided to go out for SWAT of course. This was when I was still skinny armed and pudgly in the middle...but the mini was my goal and I did it. I was so happy. But wait, lets get in the "way back" machine a little further....

It must have been January or February in 2008...My best friend in the universe needed my help. She needed to do some push ups and running and her own PFT to get hired on the department. I was so there, I wanted to be able to do these things as well, it had been years since I was able to do the same thing the recruits are expected to do. So there we both were, struggling and really unable to do one good pushup. It was pathetic and hilarious at the same time. Sit ups were another big joke, maybe 20 if I struggled and farted all over myself. I did have the advantage of running a lot though, so the cardio never really hurt much. I was "skinny fat". (Which is a new term for just being totally out of shape but being able to squeeze into a size 6.) The goal then was to be able to drop and do push ups with the recruits without looking like I was dying. One more time, lets go back....aw come on, its not that boring right?

April 2006...the merger is coming on 1/1/07 and we are slowly being made into a whole new department....I am suddenly thrust into a new training enviroment where I am required to run. Yes this is the physical fitness training they have required the "recruits", running. Thats pretty much all they do. Well running and four hours of aerobics. I was a chubby out of shape girl, but being the only one to come over from my department, I refused to let them make me look bad or quit. It hurt, it sucked, but my pride carried me through and I learned running shoes are important and running was okay if you learned how to ignore the pain of it and have an out of body experience. I ate fast food almost every day, just quit smoking the year before, and never worked out.

Now a quick zip and we are back to the present, or future, or whatever! I am in pretty good shape, I actually like to run, and I really watch what I am using to fuel my body. (Even though cherry garcia is still the worlds most perfect food.) I have sacrificed laziness and sleeping in to get to where I am now physically, to say the least. The pain, sore muscles, strains, bunions, cold weather, hot weather, broken toes..... was it all worth it? I will let you know tomorrow afternoon.

Remembering why I am doing this

As my knees ache and I am tired and not looking forward to training, I have to remember why I am doing all of this in the first place. Put aside I am a girl and someone said I couldn't and this is why I want to be on the SWAT team.

I want to be part of an elite team. I want to be one of the best.
That is what draws me to SWAT, to really and sincerely belong to a team.
The types of calls handled are the most challenging they can be.
SWAT team members are almost always some of the most able personnel on every department and I want to learn and work with the best.
The training is top notch and ongoing and intense.

Im getting really nervous. Time to get psyched up, and not psyched out. Breathe, breathe, breathe....BLARGH!!! I am going to have to take up meditation or something to channel the nervous energy into that faster sprint and run time.

Playing the mental game

I have two more workouts before the SWAT tryout. Today wasnt too awful, but my coach wasnt there and I had to motivate myself. Thats not an easy task when no one is watching and no one knows how many push ups you just did or even cares really. To be honest, at this point I am as physically able as I can get. If I somehow dont succeed or dont pass, I know I really did my best.

Am I putting undue pressure on myself anyway? Maybe. I have told so many people I am trying out for the team that pretty much everyone knows. When I was first flopping on the ground unable to do a single push up or dangling with my legs in the air trying haplessly to drag my carcass up...just up a little it was easy to tell everyone I wanted to be on the SWAT team. It seemed unreal and far away, like trying to touch the moon from your bedroom window! Now, its 7 days away and very real. I think I am ready. I really do. Of course now everyone who knows I am trying out keeps asking and I tell them I am ready. I hope I am. There are rookies and females all over the department pulling for me. I know I dont represent them all and I didnt sign up to be a "trailblazer" but I'm kind of thrust into that position anyway.

I now play the mental game. I need to play over and over in my mind me passing this physical fitness test, breezing through it so when it comes it will seem I have done it a thousand plus times successfully anyway.

I can do it, yes I can! If I can't do it, no one can! Ha ha ha!

I am also thinking that if I get a pedicure and get my nails painted hot pink or fire red that will make me faster and stronger.

So; now I practice the last hope of the weak and weary... I pray for guidance and help from above. If I cant be faster and stronger, let me have a stronger ability to let go of disappointment and my failure. Or just let me be the bad ass babe I spout off that I am all the time and have all the boys eating my dust!!!! (Eating my dust with hot pink toenails!! )

I had a dream

I had a dream. No, this isnt some inspirational MLK post, I am not that clever. I really did have a dream. I dreamed it was the day of the physical fitness assessment for SWAT. I went to check in, they handed me a packet and said, be at the location listed on the packet at 2 PM. Dont be late. I was like, no problem! I was then hanging out with the other participants, talking and waiting for time. It was when I noticed the clock said ten till 2 I decided to go out to the track. Of course, when I got there and it was empty, I realized I just assumed the track was the location and I had no idea where I was really supposed to be! In this dream I was so panicked I couldnt even read where I was supposed to be at, so I ran through the entire training complex looking for everyone. I found them finally, but I was late and they wouldnt let me test. I begged, I pleaded, I was only 5 minutes late; but to no avail. I woke up pretty mad about it all, and wondered if this has become so all consuming I cant even have regular dreams of flying or Elvis!!!!

Nine days and a rant

Nine short days until the PFT. At this point, I can only continue my workouts and work on my mental fitness for the day. I need to be sure I am psyched up enough to complete it all without messing up somewhere, dropping the dummy or breaking the seal on my mask. Maybe I should take up meditation. To be honest, when I start thinking about it, my stomach kind of feels like I ate some tainted little debbie peanut butter.

Now I shall have a super whine fest and complain about the random things that arent fair.

Kettle bells are not fair. They dont realize how hard they are on your grip strength and how the 52 lb bell looks just like the 32 lb-er. They also dont realize my form sucks so bad and now my back is killing me! Stupid kettle bell.

Being a woman is unfair. Yes, yes, I have complained about this before, but its not just about the random upper body strength issues this time around. Now I hate the fact that I am bleeding like a freaking animal slaughter. Thank God my back hurts so bad from bad kettle bell form, it kind of evens out the cramps in the front!

Fashion is unfair. I went to buy something cute Friday afternoon. (I had a date with my BFF to go to the Elvis birthday tribute show, SUPER awesome!!!). I picked up several cute looking long sleeve blouses, shirts, tee-shirts. I am generally a small. Well, I used to be a small until I started working out. Now I'm a medium. Or at least I was. I tried on five different shirts and my upper arms wouldn't squeeze into the sleeve! So try on a large right? Yeah, well the large was fitting in the bicep and huge everywhere else. No wonder athletes wear stretchy sweatshirts and tees! I got so discouraged I gave up trying to find a shirt. Moving on to pants. Well lets say jeans, skinny jeans. I could have probably squeezed myself into a 7 skinny jean, but my thighs were uncomfortable. Not to mention that I think it looked almost pornographic the way my butt looked!!! So a size nine skinny jean, with a belt to keep from the universe from seeing my panties. Am I wearing these things wrong? I mean, why dont clothes fit anymore? They make specialty stores for plus size girls, big and tall men, children.... can they not make stores that sell "athletic" cuts of clothes? If you work out at all and want to get super depressed, go try on a dress shirt at Hollister. (Hollister, we pretend we can surf but really we cater to the waif like 13 year olds~which in the midwest seriously dont exist!!!)

Whew, feeling much better all that is off my chest. Now maybe I can lay my head down on my desk for a minute before the boss catches me! HA!

Lessons Learned

I think I figured something out. Its like when dieting, when you check that non-digital scale every single day to see if you are suddenly down or up in weight. It doesnt work. You can chart your progress weekly, right? Or monthly? Who hasnt felt that pang of panic when you suddenly realize theres an extra lb or two looming below your feet? It sure makes for a crappy day! I have deduced this must be whats going on with my training. I have a goal, of course, and its rough going. But I really need to focus on the bigger picture and not so much the "okay, today I only did 40 push ups and yesterday I did 42, oh no I'm slipping!". There is no possible way to get horrifically out of shape overnight. I did not get into shape over night and I cant get out of shape overnight. Yes, the workout will suffer if I down a pint of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia (the most perfect food in the universe). But as long as I work out, I am okay. Today was another rough one, and my coach took it easy on me. At first it made me kind of mad, like hey mister if you dont push me whos going to! Then I realized I needed an easy workout for a change. It still counts as a workout. I still managed to stank up my workout clothes.

I have also been reading online about SWAT processes in different places, and wow, there really are very very few women on the teams. I read an article about LAPD "lowering" their standards to girls can get in, and oh how that pissed me off. Seriously. Royally. I personally think thats awful, I want to pass our process as is. The same as the stupid boys. (My mom said anything boys can do girls can do better!!) I am glad they arent lowering the standards. I'm not glad its so hard, but maybe its just as hard for everyone. I would hate for anyone to say I only passed because they lowered our standards. That would so suck!

After the encouragement and an easy workout day today, I should be back on my game soon.
23 days to go. How bad do I want it? Oh yeah, lookout boys...you may have to share your guns and ammo with a girl!!!!!

30 day count down

I got a stupid cold over Christmas. I was taking zinc and drinking OJ like it was going outta style but it didnt help, it just delayed it a bit. I knew I was in trouble when my hubby began the whole whining and coughing routine and I found random wadded up tissues all over the house. Crap. He had a cold and would hang all over me with his germ infested feverish body until he was certain I would catch it. Hes such a whiny baby when hes sick, I promise he didnt get out of bed all day. Then in the evening when I came home from work, he got up to lay on the couch and watch tv. For an hour. Then he went back to bed. All that sleeping all day made him exhausted. I know, I know, Im a total bitch and should never try to be a nurse. Florence Nightengale I'm not! So, no surprise to me I started getting sick on Christmas Eve day. Making cookies with the kids for Santa turned into me having a horrible headache and wanting to die. Of course I continued with my duties, I made dinner, wrapped presents, stuffed stockings. I even got up Christmas morning and made breakfast. All these things while having the same cold that made my man an invalid. The weaker sex, yeah right.

Now, being sick for three days I didnt work out. I tell myself I was sick, it was Christmas for pitys sake, I deserve this time off! Of course, today, I wish I would have just ran a little every day. What the hell, its just running right? I knew the workout would suck today. I just didnt realize how bad.

I take my SWAT physical agility test January 28th.... that is 30 days from today I need to be ready. So today I took a "mock" test, the same components to see where I am.

Required: (my scores)
1. Flexibility 16.6 inches (17)
2. Push ups 40 (42)
3. Sit ups 44 in one minute (44)
4. Pull ups 3 dead hang (4)
5. 1.5 mile run 12:18 (12:29)
6. 100 yd dash/dummy drag 28 seconds (33)
7. Stair climb 19 seconds (19.30)
8. Maze Crawl 78 seconds (85 seconds)
9 Bunker Lift 3 minutes support arm (3 minutes)

Now mind you numbers 6 through 9 are all while wearing SWAT tactical body armor with a 10 lb weight in the vest. Oh yes, 7-9 also have that plus the gas mask and a ballistic helmet. And that stupid dummy weighs at least 160-180 lbs. I sucked so bad today, I am really trying. I dont want to get to the 28th and say I didnt try hard enough. I need to get faster and stronger, and for the love of God I cant figure out how. Is there any way to make a 125 lb 5 foot 2" 37 year old woman able to do these things barring steriods???? Am I kidding myself and wasting my time trying??? I really want to know if I am trying harder than the guys who have to do this same test. Is it really not as hard for them? BAH!

Who does Cooper think he is anyway?

Cooper fitness standards. Oh I have heard your standards spouted every time we have a hiring process and we have new hopeful faces in the crowd. Its a super easy standard, really! I mean, seriously if you listen its the standard health and fitness level of a 40 year old woman! Egad! Not that, a 40 year old woman? That just brings up visuals of bon bon eating couch potato Oprah watching masses doesnt it? And I admit, some of the standards we require seem pretty easy. First standard, you have to jump 13 inches vertically. Not too bad, we usually dont loose anyone at this point of the test. Maybe one or two people who just (face it) arent coordinated enough to jump and swing their arm to tap the vertec. Then comes the one minute sit ups. The standard entry here is 26. Doesnt seem too rough does it? Well we are good for loosing about 3-8 applicants here. Either they are afraid of the Mexican food slipping out if they try too hard or they really aren't ready. (As far as the Mexican food goes, yeah there have been "rippers" during the test....its a natural bodily function people! Stop laughing! Yeah, that includes me...) Now comes the 300 meter sprint. You have 87 seconds. Thats almost a minute and a half. No one usually sucks too bad at this, we have some close calls but few failures. OOh now comes the next test, the one all girls fear....yes its the push ups. You have to get 21 push ups. No time limit. Come on, seriously, you knew you wanted this job and you knew you had to do push ups. Tell me you have been practicing and working out. Liars. Dont look at me and ask if you can have a "do over" if you only get 7. The standard is 21, and if you couldnt get that many the first try, what really makes you think you can do it after a five minute break? This is where we usually loose the girls. Or we get the girls who squeak by, struggling and gasping. (Im not judging, I know its hard ladies, but do you want the job or not???) Now on to the final component...the mile and a half run. Now this so called "run" needs to be completed in 18:56. Thats right, eighteen minutes and fifty six seconds. Forever. If you walk, you wont make it. Of course, if you sort of walk/jog and cry and whine, chances are you make it. Sometimes we get to call EMS on this one. Its pretty awesome when people hyperventilate or start barfing when they are almost done! Now if you have passed all of these, even the squeakers, you come upstairs and get the lecture about nutrition and exercise. This is where the bombs are dropped by my (male) Sergeant...if you think this is hard, this entry standard is the level of a 40 year old woman!!! *in my mind the next thing he says is you ought to be ashamed* You will be expected to do much better if you want to pass this academy!!! Blah blah blah, talk talk. Then he goes on about how these are the Cooper standards, more blah, how they should be much harder. My favorite part is when he said they didnt need any 5 foot 2 inch 115 lb people on this department! The difficulty to restrain my laughter is nearly unbearable, since when I got hired to be a cop I maybe weighed 100 lbs at 5"2"!!! Ha! All this being said, who the hell does he think he is right? For that matter, who the hell does Cooper think he is too? Isnt eating (mostly) healthy food and exercising (mostly) every day enough? So I have a little flab, big f'n deal right? Now I start to panic and over exercise and stress about any morsel nearing my face! I want to be good enough!

I figure its like this, I need to not panic and be forced into an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise again. (Thats right, mean girls, you can no longer tease me until I have an eating disorder!!!) Its like going to visit my mom, and within the first ten minutes she mentions the fact that my face is broken out and my hair looks dry. I shrug it off while buying proactive and smearing avacado in my hair. I hate being subjected to any of it. I hope I am getting stronger by recognizing it doesnt matter and just doing what makes me feel healthy and strong.