15 days

15 days left until the PFT. I am totally getting nervous and paranoid about it now. I am afraid I am going to do something to get injured or maybe end up with rabies from a wild squirrel before the test. (I'm having this hilarious visual of me out jogging and being dive-bombed by insane militant squirrels in their supersonic high pitched squeaky voices yelling "ATTACK!" .....aaaaaaah, stop throwing nuts at me!!!!.....) Oh, I so crack myself up.

Of course there is the very real possibility that the weather will be horrific on that day, 40 below or something and I will have to run the test indoors. That would mean 17 horrific laps around two gyms to equal a mile and a half. If you think 6 laps around the outdoor track is bad, wow what a mind meld 17 would be. I seriously loose track of what lap I am on outside...

Maybe I should take up meditation or yoga or something before the test to find my "chi" whatever that means.

Exercise and vitamins

Friday was an outstanding workout day. I felt fast and strong and simply mowed down every exercise that got in my way. I was a freaking steamroller!!! (Take that, stupid weighted vest!!!) Those stupid creeping in thoughts that sleeping would be nicer than push ups and curling into the fetal position on the mat is way better than those sit ups managed to still be there; but I was able to push it aside. Funny thing, I don't really know how I did it. I just stayed focused and strong, willing my body to do what I needed.

Maybe its the new multivitamins. I'm not sure though, it sems to me someone told me once that multivitamins are made of mostly cardboard. Quick check of the "other ingredients" listed on the bottom of the bottle shows number one listed cellulose. Ha! Yep, thats paper allright. Hilarious. I am paying GNC out the wahoo to eat paper. Not just paper, this is huge bullet sized (45 calibur) vanilla sugar coated goodness. I seem to also remember you can overdose on vitamins, but only certain ones. I mean, you can eat vitamin C till the cows come home and it doesnt matter because whatever your body doesnt need you just flush down the toilet anyway.

Why on earth would anyone need 333% of your daily vitamin C intake? Thats whats listed on my vitamin bottle. Of course I'm only getting 50% of my daily calcium. I am getting 833% of vitamin B-12. What the??? Why dont they just make a vitamin with 100 percent of what you need and be done with it. Life was simpler when I took flintstone chewables.

Well maybe its placebo maybe its not, but since I feel faster and stronger, I must be faster and stronger. Perception is reality!!!!

Lessons Learned

I think I figured something out. Its like when dieting, when you check that non-digital scale every single day to see if you are suddenly down or up in weight. It doesnt work. You can chart your progress weekly, right? Or monthly? Who hasnt felt that pang of panic when you suddenly realize theres an extra lb or two looming below your feet? It sure makes for a crappy day! I have deduced this must be whats going on with my training. I have a goal, of course, and its rough going. But I really need to focus on the bigger picture and not so much the "okay, today I only did 40 push ups and yesterday I did 42, oh no I'm slipping!". There is no possible way to get horrifically out of shape overnight. I did not get into shape over night and I cant get out of shape overnight. Yes, the workout will suffer if I down a pint of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia (the most perfect food in the universe). But as long as I work out, I am okay. Today was another rough one, and my coach took it easy on me. At first it made me kind of mad, like hey mister if you dont push me whos going to! Then I realized I needed an easy workout for a change. It still counts as a workout. I still managed to stank up my workout clothes.

I have also been reading online about SWAT processes in different places, and wow, there really are very very few women on the teams. I read an article about LAPD "lowering" their standards to girls can get in, and oh how that pissed me off. Seriously. Royally. I personally think thats awful, I want to pass our process as is. The same as the stupid boys. (My mom said anything boys can do girls can do better!!) I am glad they arent lowering the standards. I'm not glad its so hard, but maybe its just as hard for everyone. I would hate for anyone to say I only passed because they lowered our standards. That would so suck!

After the encouragement and an easy workout day today, I should be back on my game soon.
23 days to go. How bad do I want it? Oh yeah, lookout boys...you may have to share your guns and ammo with a girl!!!!!

Do I have what it takes?

I am tired. I am tired of exercising. I cant even trick myself into the happy bunny flail. I have been wearing my under armor batman shirt and sweat pants all day. I just need to put my running shoes on and out the door! Just one mile right? One mile as fast as I can go, get it over with. At my slowest it would be 10 minutes. My fastest 7. I can certainly run for 7 minutes. SWAT PFT is ever looming and I am getting really nervous. I have worked my old woman body as hard as possible for this long... After that spinal surgery at the end of February, remember how happy you were to get released and just be able to go outside and run? Six long weeks of no exercise allowed and remember the joy when you got to start up again? Then the determination and motivation when you decided to go for SWAT. Since September the grueling workouts, but the steady improvement. I dont know how much longer I can keep the schedule of pull ups and push ups and sit ups and running and blah. How do I find that joy again? The determination I felt when it was said a woman would never be able to do the physical part of the SWAT training? Is it still there? Bah. Of course taking a "no exercise" day doesnt help because it makes me feel guilty or like maybe if I dont exercise that one time it would make me not be able to pass the PFT. 25 days left, do I really need to squander any of them? I wish I knew someone who has been through this and could give me their wisdom. Of course, I am the first. No women have ever passed the SWAT process. None. For the entire history of both departments and now the consolidated department, there have been none. I realize this isnt lobbying for the right to vote or go to public schools, but it still feels like some sort of step and its not easy. Am I really as strong as all the other female trail blazers before me? Maybe I should set up a shrine to Alice Paul and Lucy Burns and they will pass some strength down from Heaven.

Random post

New class starts monday, that means long 10 hour days (for them) and 12 hour days for me. On top of that training for SWAT. I hope I survive. I hope I pass. For pitys sake, I hope I get over being obsessed about it for a minute. I need to stop letting it consume me. Maybe for five minutes I can pretend I'm not neurotic...

By the way, every lap and rep that hurts and makes me want to hurl, I curse you cupcakes and cookies. You bastards. Why are you so delicious?

Quick note to my cats....Millie and Smokey, I appreciate your work over the last two days. I take back the envious thoughts while getting ready to go outside in 20 degree cold and watching you curled up in a black fuzzy ball on the couch. You guys really do rule. Even though your love is sometimes pointy and smells of catfood. By the way, you really can stop leaving dead mice on the kitty scratching tower. I get it. Gift for the family and all that, but do you really have to chew their faces off first?